Tips For Talking To Kids About Race: School-Aged Kids

Welcome back! We are more than halfway through this series. I hope that you are enjoying it so far. Remember, this post builds upon the previous one. In addition to the suggestions listed below, check out the posts for Toddlers and Preschoolers and Babies (yes, babies!). Incorporate as many suggestions as you can. As you go along, you will see just how much these interventions all interact with and contribute to one another. Enjoy!

School-Aged Kids:
This is a time of significant cognitive development for kids. Children are now much more logical and linear in their thought process. Their thoughts are not as egocentric, meaning they are able to see how events affect other people and not just them directly. Children can also see how different events are connected and contribute to one another. This cognitive development mirrors their linguistic development, meaning that children are actually able to have  conversations about the things that they observe. Therefore, this is a great time to start having real conversations with kids about race. They can actually talk about what they see and hear. Be careful to tailor your language to an age-appropriate level, but do not water down your conversations. Be direct, open, and honest. 

• Pay attention to what they are watching & listening to: You do not have to limit or ban everything that your child is watching. That will only lead to rebellion (they will watch it at a friend's house or at school) and sends the wrong message anyway. If you simply ban the things that you worry will send the wrong message, they will get the message that these confusing topics are not to be discussed. You want your child to talk to you about these things, remember? Now, I'm not saying that you should let your 9-year-old go out and watch an R-rated movie for the sake of discussion, but if you hear a song that they like that has racial undertones, talk to them about it. Also, talk to them about the movies and TV shows they watch. Are there any people of color on these shows? How are they being portrayed? Ask their opinion and offer yours. Let them know that there are not any 'right' answers. Use these opportunities to harness their skills as racial observers.
• Take a more active role in friendships: This suggestion comes with a disclaimer. At this age, you cannot create friendships for your child out of thin air. Playdates can help, but there are social lines in your child's school and friendship groups. Do not assume that you can infiltrate and change all of that. That being said, these are children, not teenagers yet, and they can still benefit from adult guidance. Your child does not have to be friends with everyone and friendships at this age often change on a monthly, weekly, or even daily basis. Kids can be best friends one day and are barely speaking the next. Pay attention to how and why friendships are evolving and changing over this time period. Does some of this have to do with race? And continue to pay attention even if the friendship group is racially heterogeneous. That is not the end-all, be-all. As these friendships play out, lines are drawn and hierarchies are established. These occur for all kinds of reasons, some of which involve race. There will be a future blog post about diverse friendships so be sure to check back to get more information about this topic.
• Start having more honest conversations: I know that this seems scary, but don't worry! Chances are, your child does not think that this topic is so overwhelming. You are much more nervous about it than your child is. Try to model that this is just like any other conversation and start talking! Kids at this age are noticing racial discrimination. What's more, they also notice when adults do not talk about or address it and that sends an incredibly powerful (and negative) message. If your child does not come to you with questions or concerns, bring something up with them. It can be from a movie, a book, or a song, but it is even more powerful when you see something happen in real time and point it out to them. Do you see a Latina at the bank being spoken to more harshly than her White counterpart? Do you see a security guard at a store take more notice when a Black man walks in than when a White man does? Work hard to see these things-they exist everywhere-and talk about them with your child. 

Remember that this list builds from the last one. Many of the suggestions in the Toddlers & Preschoolers post are applicable to School-Aged Kids so check it out and apply some of your favorites. Do you have other ideas? Post them in the comments below! And don't forget to sign up for our newsletter! Check back in a few days for tips on kids who hardly seem like they are kids anymore: Teenagers.